PREFACE
I think I’ll start by quoting myself.
“Please understand that your friends should know you care, long before they figure out what you are trying to convey.”
There, that was easy. Now I have started. I started with this quote, from later in the book, because I want you to know that I care before I get started “trying to convey”. What we discuss, and what I am obligated and privileged to tell, is difficult indeed. It may be foolish to discuss with you, my readers, the things I will present given the obvious problem of having never met you nor you me.
We may disagree on various points and conclusions but if I can help us learn to talk to each other with sensitivity, insight, and patience I will have accomplished a great deal. Here are some of the problem areas we might need to work on as we talk together. Do we bring presuppositions and prejudices to the conversation? Can we disagree and remain friends? Can we suspend judgment and be open minded? Can we begin to build bridges and maintain or create constructive relationships? I talk more about communication in chapter three. (I understand that you might have a tendency to skip that chapter.) I think it is an important one because it is so very important that we are careful, and, that we say what needs to be said with wisdom, patience, and love. That chapter helps us do just that.
I have four groups or individuals in mind as I write.
- I want to help the church understand the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, and Questioning (or Queer) community, and care for it as I believe God intends.
- I want to help families love members they don’t fully understand.
- I want individuals who have been disappointed in the church and have even been turned away understand how much God loves them and why, and
- I want to support those who are struggling with their identity.
(In Chapter One I will describe, in four sections, the groups or individuals I have in mind. Briefly read the introduction and those four specific sections in Chapter One to see if you find yourself in there somewhere.)
I want to believe, and in fact, I have to believe, that honest, straightforward communication will dispel rumors, east tensions, and bridge the gaps. I want all of us to understand how to communicate, express ourselves, and disclose our fears and concerns in a way that maintains friendships, expresses love, and heals families. We can only do this as we listen, talk, and reason together with each other, (and read each-others “stuff”).
Paragraphs or pages that address another group, their struggle, or a different need will be more meaningful to you, and less scattered when you are invested in understanding them and their concerns.
My hope and prayer are that whoever reads this book will take from any paragraph that which is good, and informative or helpful, for them. Makes no difference to me what group you place yourself in or where you are coming from.
“Truth that is not undergirded by Love makes the truth obnoxious and the possessor of it repulsive.” Ravi Zacharias.
INTRODUCTION
I meet with a small group of high school senior men at our church and the topic of homosexuality came up two weeks in a row. High school kids always have questions on this topic because they are curious or confused. They are confused because their parents are confused, and their parents are confused because their church struggles and is confused. If they look to the church and its’ leaders for insight and advice, they find division there.
When there is confusion in the church, it brings a message that is either flat-out wrong or a message that is skewed and does not represent God’s intent. The church must not present a message that either betrays God’s love, misrepresents what is of first importance, or demands of us and others the wrong things, or asks for decisions or asks them in the wrong order.
I am convinced that if God’s perspective is presented accurately, and with kindness and understanding, many folks will find He is wise, just, compassionate, and they will understand that He has their best interests in mind.
I think this is the way this book will go. Some of the time, I will be talking to my Christian brothers and sisters. I may not officially announce that. If I need to kick a Christian brother or sister in the butt, you will just have to give me room to swing my foot.
At other times, I may be addressing my comments to those who don’t buy into the whole “Christian Bible thing”. To those folks, I will try to communicate a perspective they have had difficulty with or found offensive in the past. I will try to communicate with sensitivity and present not only God’s intent, but His heart and compassion for all of us.
Confusion can be cleared up. I think that is the case here, too. There are answers to the big and small questions, and there are answers regarding confusion about our sexuality.
IN GENERAL
This book examines, for the curious and open-minded, many thought-provoking and relevant points of view regarding what is happening to us, what is causing our decay, and what the possible answers and solutions might be. People of all faiths and lifestyles need to understand the pressures, thoughts, and notions that are influencing and pulling them one way or the other. We need to know their source and whether that source is reliable and has our best interests at heart.
Both the faith communities and the LGBTQ communities should take advantage of this opportunity to examine what is going on around them and why, understand what is motivating, pushing, and pulling.
I don’t know where you are coming from, but it seems to me to be a good idea for us to consider answers that have stood the test of time and have been helpful in the past. It’s good to know “What to do about it, or what to do next”. Our future as individuals, and as a society, may depend on it.
The question as to “what we all objectively see” may be something we largely agree on. What to do about it or what to do next may be a point of contention, and conclusions regarding how we arrived where we are may lie somewhere between the two. I hope you are one of those who is, “being flexible”.
There will be paragraphs and chapters where we will all be in agreement most of the time. We discuss how we came to be where we are today, where are we going, and where the confusion comes from for both the church and for society. Our “present circumstance” is clear.
We discuss some of the reasons offered as to why some struggle with who they are. Why is this a problem for them and not for others? I’m aware that when I say “struggle” or “problem” I may offend and upset some. (I try to pick and choose my words carefully. I want to be careful and considerate.) For some of you, however, there is an internal problem or struggle, and there are many things to figure out and decisions to be made regarding who you are and how you are going to function and live. (Understanding our sexuality is a problem we all share.) These are difficult times for you and there are pressure and stress. You have an initial problem in the sense that you need to determine who has your best interests at heart and you need to decide who to listen to. I hope you decide to listen to me a while longer.
It is especially important that we all understand what others are having trouble with and read what they need to hear. We need to understand each other.
CHAPTER ONE
THE MAIN CHARACTERS
(You and me)
If you are reviewing this subject matter and have picked up this book, I think I can safely assume you want one or more of the following: information, support, clarification, or perhaps even a little hand-holding. You may even suspect that you have “work to do” of some type. (It may be that you are just curious, that’s okay, too.)
Everyone who runs across a challenge or a change to what they are used to, what they believe, or what they anticipate, probably needs some help with their understanding, patience, attitude, and direction. The type of work you have to do depends on who you are.
I have at least four “individuals” or groups in mind as I write this and that makes it a somewhat impossible task. I am going to throw caution to the wind and try anyway. I have in mind, 1. The Christian individual and or family, 2. the curious and or the LGBTQ community, 3. the church and its’ leadership, and 4. the Christian with a sexual identity crisis.
- TO THE CHRISTIAN, AS AN INDIVIDUAL OR FAMILY
It may be that you are one of those Bible-believing Christian types. Your world was fine and you had a good grasp on the large and small subjects you thought necessary to live a Godly life. You had the “do’s and don’ts” understood and had a good understanding of what your attitude should be. Now your world has been rocked. Someone is not who you thought they were. That relationship has had the rug pulled out from under it. This is especially painful if that relationship is a close family member. Perhaps someone has told you that he or she is gay. The first quick bit of advice is to not jump to conclusions. That term means different things to different people. (More about words and definitions later.) It may be that someone you know and love is in a world you don’t understand and his or her friends are members of a community that, up until now, had been removed from you and your experience. Someone you love is now somehow involved with LGBTQ concerns or identified him or herself as part of that community. There is now some distance between you and the LGBTQ friend or loved one. That distance may seem like a canyon. You have had the rug pulled out from under you.
You are now curious as to how and why “these things” happen. If you are honest you will admit that it seems this “thing” is happening to you too! A lot of thoughts are racing around in your head, thoughts that are new to you.
Are you caught off balance?
Do you want to gain some wisdom and patience so that you can have a loving relationship with a person that at the moment is a bit of a mystery to you?
Do you want to understand exactly how it is that God loves all of us, and everyone else, and why?
Do you want to know what God is thinking about all of this “stuff” and then represent Him as He would have you do?
If you answered yes, then this book is for you.
This book gives you an opportunity to:
- back-up or back-off and take a breath,
- understand how and why “these things” happen,
- get a better handle on your feelings, and
- gain some clarity as to what to think, say, and do.
You hope that your desire to understand other points of view will enable meaningful and patient discussion, but that for now seems less than likely. Perhaps you hope that a little history and perspective will help you but you’re not sure who to ask. You expect that if you are more fully informed you will be less nervous and more effective. Of course, you are not exactly sure what you are “supposed” to do, or be “more effective at” if anything?
If you are interested, you may wish to discover what God’s thinking is on all of this. If you are a Christian or “church member” you will want to understand God’s perspective, plan, wisdom, and adopt the attitude He would prefer you have. You know there are a few verses here and there that may be relevant but, as you remember, God does not spend a lot of time going over just what to do or say when a friend, son, or daughter “comes out”.
This book:
- Gives you the minimum education you need regarding the same-sex attracted individual, the LGBTQ lifestyle, and the choices and dilemma they face, without overwhelming you.
- Frames or guides your mind and heart as you understand God’s point of view towards all those who are hurting, lost, and in need of a solution and savior.
- Will help you learn how to talk with patience and understanding in order to restore and maintain a relationship with those you love.
- Will help you walk and talk with the grace and love that God demands from all of us as His representatives.
We will remind you and walk you through exactly what it is you need to know, remember, think, and feel so that you can love the one who has on some level betrayed you, and have a relationship that reflects God’s wisdom, compassion, and understanding.
Of course, when I said a second ago that you might feel that someone had “betrayed you”, I am not saying that that was their intent. They would have you know that they are “simply” trying to be true to who they are. (All this is not “simple” for them either and that’s good to keep in mind.) It feels to you however that you have been betrayed by them, or God, or something!
Take a breath, I will get you some help.
ALL GROUPS
All groups need to work on their communication skills. I understand that words can be hurtful. The word “betrayed” is such a word. That is why I attempted to give my use of it some context. I was not using it to suggest that an individual was intending to hurt another or disappoint. I was not being derogatory or mean-spirited. The fact is that when a person, parent, or friend has a set of expectations or anticipates that things will turn out a certain way and things change, “betrayed” is a term and feeling that comes to mind. I will be careful in what I say and your task is to not take what I say and twist it’s meaning or suggest I am saying something I am not.
As you may have noticed, the first part of this book includes observations about communication, and I take considerable time helping us all learn how to just get along. I know you want answers to specific questions but what do you say or do when you get the answers? What do you say when someone gives an answer you don’t like? If you gain insight or come to a conclusion how do you communicate that to someone who may disagree or is adversely opposed? No one really cares about your damn conclusion or suggestion unless they know that you care. (That last sentence was probably a good example of how not to communicate.) We will work on how to talk with each other as we proceed.
Thanks for understanding, now back to business. Back to the Christian as an individual or family.
This is not a book about an extraordinary personal journey. It is not a theological discussion about the interpretation of scripture, although many positions are supported by scripture. It is a hands-on aid and practical self-help book designed to remind, restore, and guide you back to that time when you thought you understood what was necessary, or at least had a firm foundation.
When “A lot of thoughts are racing around in your head,” it’s good to go back to basics. Yes, we will go back to basics but this time we will include what our perspective should be regarding those in the LGBTQ community. How and where do they fit in God’s scheme of things? Does God love them? The answer, by the way, is, yes He loves them, and He loves them the way they are.
In the last part of this book, I will refer you to other books and give brief book reviews so you will know where to go with specific problems. There are, for instance, books that deal with the stages of grief in case you may be stuck in emotional turmoil. There are comprehensive bible studies so that you can be sure of the ground you are standing on. Some books talk more in depth than we do here about how a person comes to be who they are, and some are books with personal stories so you can understand that you are not alone in your confusion. I reference some books written by Christians in the midst of an identity struggle themselves.
- TO THE LGBTQ COMMUNITY AND/OR THE CURIOUS
There is another individual who may benefit from this book. The LGBTQ individual, or a person in transition or making a decision, can hopefully come to understand a number of things.
If you are struggling and/or are curious, and you are open to the possibility that there is a God, that He loves you where and how you are, and that He might have plans that are better than the ones you have figured out thus far, then you might wade into this stuff too. (The idea that God has better plans than us is kind of a necessary part of the definition of God. I didn’t mean to knock your plans.)
If God has something to say to you, you want it presented faithfully and accurately so that you then have the facts and understanding necessary to make decisions regarding “The Basics”, or the “Big Questions”. God’s Big Answer to the Big Question is, yes He does love you and He desires to know you better. Perhaps at this point, you just a have to take my word for that. (I understand that I may be way ahead of you, sorry.)
Of course, if you don’t go either of those directions you might just want to read and find out all you can about what it is “those Christians” are always fussing over! You might have “one of them” in your family. You might have someone in your circle of friends that is just religious enough to make him or her a real pain and irritation.
If that describes you, more or less, then:
- You can come to understand what a person or family member may be feeling and wrestling with especially if the family members view is different than yours.
- You may come to understand, if interested, how our current state of affairs or “present circumstances” came to be. How did we all get so confused and in such disarray?
- You may gain insight into your prejudices regarding the church and you will have the opportunity to correct misconceptions about what God allegedly says.
- It may be that you are curious as to whether the “church” has anything to offer you. It does. (The church is made up of flawed individuals but God is gracious and good. Please don’t confuse one with the other.)
- You may find more topics of interest in the section below, “FOR EVERYONE”
If you have some interest and want to be better informed, then keep reading.
Let me add this. I hope to have some readers who are not necessarily opposed to the church. I hope to have some readers who, from the start, are looking to mend relationships with loved ones and with the church. Perhaps some of you are looking to return to, or at least better understand, that religious stuff you were taught at an earlier age. You may want help reconciling what is going on inside of you with what God says and what He desires for you. I can hopefully help you too.
- TO THE CHURCH AND ITS LEADERSHIP
I hold some of you responsible for the terrible and unnecessary divide between the Christian community and the LGBTQ community. (I at least hold you and the rest of us responsible for the part we may have played in that division, the part we have control over.)
I don’t pull punches! What are you thinking? Yes, that is the same question I am helping the other three groups with. What to think, feel, say, and do. If you understand the present circumstance we find ourselves in and understand God’s gracious provision for all of us, then you will have to arrange your heart and mind and what you say so that you express God’s wisdom, truth, love, and provision in a way that pleases Him.